Do Brazilians have Brazilians?

The Ambrosio cream

Plucked from obscurity and currently with her eye on Gisele's Brazilian supermodel crown, Alessandra Ambrosio is 19-years worth of bottled South American sex appeal.

A star for Guess? and with ads booked with Calvin Klein and Armani, Alessandra is ready to kick the wrinkled asses of Naomi and Claudia into Row Z.

It remains a mystery why Brazilian footballers are invariably squat, buck-toothed pugfaces, and their women are sensuous goddesses sent to taunt us mortal men – but us mortal men will live with it.

For someone dubbed a 'grown-up' Lolita by fashion pervs, there's still room for brains in Alessandra's sexy package: she plans to go to uni one day. Bless.

Click here to visit Alessandra Ambrosio

That is when she can give up her hobbies of sunbathing, snowboarding and hanging at her New York pad - for freshers' week fun of vomiting rugger-bugger oinks. Ah, memories.

Of course, the ubiquitous model/club promoter (why not throw in DJ?) boyfriend looms large in the shape of some bloke called Jayson Lee – but if the rumours of a fling with another stud pony model Marcelo Boldrini are true, there's hope for all the players out there.

If the salivating World Cup cameramen manage to pick out Alessandra's svelte form in the World Cup crowds, rather than the usual turd-brown-tanned mingers, we will all be truly thankful.

But, as footie fans all know, it'll be those pugface Brazilian footie stars that get the final laugh: they always end up with someone incredibly beautiful who perfectly accentuates their own hideousness. Alessandra: we're praying for your safety.

Click here to visit Alessandra Ambrosio