Hand WAGs at dawn

Is there a football tournament on at the moment? Not judging by the Star, Sun and the Mirror there isn't.

Instead, we have the battle for world supremacy with the wives and girlfriends of something called 'footballers' - now globally confirmed in shorthand as WAGs.

The Mirror is most amusing by declaring an, "England CRISIS!" Yes, leader of the chav-ette pack of WAGS Coleen "runs out of clothes".

Scouse chums have had to hot-foot it back to Liverpool, "just to stock up on more outfits for her".

Meanwhile the Star lines up stick-thin fading Swedish telly presenter Ulrika Jonsson, who "is set for an explosive World Cup showdown with bitter love rival Nancy Dell'Olio at England’s clash with Sweden".

In a fantastic case of pot and kettle name-calling confusion, she has branded England's finest WAGs: "Waxed, Anorexic, Giggling, Spendaholics."

Ooh, scratch your eyes.

But it gets worse. "It’s all kicking off," according to the Sun, as the "WAGs lose their rags".

These poor girls have it tough.

Apparently, "half a dozen locals began taunting them that Germany would win the World Cup," while they were boozing it up on a night out.

Makes us sick to see what these poor girls have to go through.