Great Rooney news

There he is, blurbed on the front of the Daily Express: the Roonmeister general, grinning like a veritable big, round-faced ginger boy.

The Sun, the Star and the Mirror all go large on the Miracle Of The Metatarsal, as news, ahem, breaks that Wayne Rooney's offending tootsies are on the mend.

"Here we toe," shrieks the Star in its "England Latest", as the smiling boy/man skips out of a private clinic after being given the big OK. For the second phase, that is - subject to Sven's boys not dropping a serious bollock in the group stage.

But for now, it's the wearying euphoria, the hope not the despair, we're having to deal with.

"The Big Man's Back In Town!" booms the Sun. This was actually a remark made by Rooney himself "as he marched back into the side's hotel" (mind those steps, soft lad).

The Mirror implores its readers to "Roojoice" after the "Toe-rific!" (Star) news.

And there's even better news in the Star about England's 12ft 9in goal-hanging android Peter Crouch.

Robo-Lurch, we hear, almost bought a Dubai island in the shape of a giant willy.

What a "right plonker!" chuckles the Star. In fact, it was the latest jape in Rio Ferdinand's much-blurbed ITV braindump, World Cup Wind-Ups - broadcast this Saturday night.

You kill us, you guys.