MegaStar's Cassie awaits her invite

Spa away from home

In news that's sent UK hacks into spasms of boyish excitement, it's been revealed that the England football team's posh World Cup hotel features a mixed naked spa!

Although this practice is just the norm in mainland Europe, back on dear ol' Blighty it's the kind of sick perversion that gets our voyeuristic instincts pumping. Filthy Europe! Where are the binoculars?

Given that as a nation we're still grappling with whether to go for the towel-swimming costume combo while in the sauna or not - speculation that Sven's boys could be frolicking with nubile (and nude) German babes is enough to cause a national brain seizure.

Not that there'll be any women frolicking naked with the England team other than their dutiful spouses and significant others, you understand. Unless one of them nabs one of MegaStar's pert and patriotic England MegaBabes to take over.

The Schlosshotel Buhlerhohe in Germany's Black Forest features steambaths, saunas and massages - and the only stitch that can be worn will be to hold up some botched surgery.

The England wives won't be staying in the same digs, but they're allowed to visit when they want – which is when the brain-searing vision of a nude Wayne Rooney and Victoria Beckham discussing holiday plans for an early knockout swims into mind.

Of course, the hotel had the royal nod after Sven gave it and its facilities a thorough, and no doubt professional, once-over. God bless that man and his Ł600 zillion-a-year salary.

What could keep our national team clothed and dignified? Well, we know some top pros can't resist whipping out the video camera at the sight of naked totty.

Best we keep those boys off the plane, then, Mr Eriksson.