Do not approach this man

Slanging match

You can always trust in e-government to give you a laugh – as ably demonstrated by the British Embassy in Germany’s dedicated World Cup website (www.britishembassyworldcup.com).

The site is packed with 'Football crazy' stories (three at the last count) and mother-knows-best advice on how English fans should conduct themselves in Germany.

"Don't drink and drive. It is illegal. And don't take drugs." Plain English never felt more like a big wagging finger.

Best of all, though, is the football glossary, with handy translations of typical fan banter translated into German.

Although, we're fairly sure that the last time anyone actually said: "He was as sick as a parrot," was in 1887, on a street corner in Shrewsbury – but it's there for your use this summer.

Unfortunately, Crystal Palace manager Iain Dowie's 'bouncebackability' hasn't made the glossary cut.

'Riot, row and ruckus' have, though, but don't make the mistake of parroting that threesome when you're to trying to ask for a cider-and-black at the bar.